My thoughts have become a dangerous place to be left in. As if my mind is some sort of toxic landfill. My pen and paper have become my saving grace. Typical days like this in the states would be filled with the company of both family and friends, grad classes, field placement, work, activities, night clubs, music concerts, stimulation, common language and the list could go on. Most days here are the polar opposite.
You get lost in the idle time. Lost in your thoughts. Lost in yourself. The very things that once worked for you are not suffice enough to quench the thirst of stimulating conversations, familiarity, convenience and ultimately all the things that once masked the loneliness that was maybe always there. There is no real busy here because there is always time for reflection.
There is always time for introspection. Like you really get to know yourself in your alone time because sometimes no matter how full the homestead, classroom or community meeting is you still find yourself feeling alone. It’s like that song “cranes in the sky” where she talks about her use of distractions to rid herself of the loneliness and past pain. I wouldn’t consider myself pain ridden or hurt but I must admit that I’m struggling. I am struggling in all the places that I thought I had figured out. Like myself. I’m ever-changing, I’m constantly evolving and reliving old experiences while experiencing new ones. It’s like my feelings are all over the place and I can’t get a grip on them at times.